Sue McCullough

Being Human.

admin — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 21:07:42 +0000

The rules

Rule Number 1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time round.

Rule Number 2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

Rule Number 3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”.

Rule Number 4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it , you can then go on to the next lesson.

Rule Number 5. Learning does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

Rule Number 6. “There” is no better than “here”. When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here”.

Rule Number 7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

Rule Number 8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

Rule Number 9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to Life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

Rule Number 10. You will forget this.

Rule Number 11. You can remember it whenever you want.

Summer Vacation.

admin — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 21:06:28 +0000

What I learned

Here are my girls waiting for our turn to tour Wind Cave in Custer State Park. We stayed in “camping cabins”, just beds and tables inside. We did all of our cooking outside under a pavilion. It rained a lot, the only good day we had was the day we went to Mount Rushmore. I learned to let the girls decide what they wanted to do and it was okay just to hang out and play games. I learned to let go of the small stuff. So what if we couldn’t start a campfire because it was too wet and we ran out of gas for the stove. As long as everybody was safe, dry and fed, half-cooked pancakes were not a big deal.

I got re-certified as a water safety instructor. I learned that I am physically stronger than I thought and my strong body will keep up with teenagers (well, not quite as fast, but I wasn’t left in the dust either). I also learned that it doesn’t matter how old, gray or cubby you are, people see the inside, even teen-agers and college students and like you for who you are.

We spent the Fourth of July with my good friend Nancy and her family at “the farm”. I learned the llamas are pretty neat creatures and slipping away from the adults to visit llamas with my daughter can be a lot of fun.

I took a couple of classes on the brain, including learning about Alzheimer. I learned that the brain is very wonderful and fascinating and the best thing you can do for your brain is to have a good attitude and be healthy and physically active.

I went to Contemplative Church Camp were I saw old friends and made new ones; where I had lots of time to pray and meditate and enjoy the peace of nature. I learned to stop fighting the contradictions in life and instead to embrace them and learn from them.

And the last thing I learned this summer is that I can hike to 13,000 feet. Look out Pikes Peak! I’m on my way!

Revolutionary Agreements - Agreement Seven.

admin — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 21:14:27 +0000

I agree to resolve conflicts directly

It’s not a problem that we have a problem.
It’s a problem if we don’t deal with the problem.
Mary Kay Utecht

Remember the Revolutionary Agreements? I know it’s been a long summer, but hopefully you remembered the first six. Agreement Seven is a tough one. Really they all are, but some are tougher than others. Problems are a part of life, aren’t they? But the more we ignore them, the bigger they become. This agreement asks us to handle problems directly, with speed, compassion and by talking to the person directly.

I remember working in the corporate world where the rumor mill was rampant. Sometimes the rumors were about lay-offs, restructuring or restacking. I was always excited about restacking, because everybody got moved to different floors and we got a couple of extra days off. But sometime the stories were about conflicts between co-workers. One party would go around telling their story and getting people of their side. Talk about drama! An office of a couple thousand was a hotbed for rumors and conflict.

This agreement says to go to the person involved and speak directly with them. But tied into this Agreement are three others; to look within at your reaction (Agreement Three), speak your truth with compassion (Agreement Two) and listen with your heart (Agreement Five). Here is a story about how one friend followed the agreements and the other friend didn’t.

A couple of weeks ago the Honda started acting up. In order to drive it, you had to hold the key in the start position to keep the engine on. So that meant Richard had to hold the key and drive and Malaika had to shift. She thought that was pretty cool. It took a couple of days to get the car fixed and Richard was gone, so I asked my sissy Amalia for a ride to the garage. On the way, I asked a simple question and didn’t get the answer I expected. And I reacted horribly and forgot all the agreements. I spent all that Saturday crying and Sunday trying to figure out what to do. Amalia, on the other hand, followed the Agreements and Monday resolved the conflict directly. She sent me a beautiful e-mail showing that she had looked within at her reaction (okay, I did too and knew I was wrong), she spoke her truth with compassion and was willing to listen with her heart. And, guess what? We are sisters again. This is a very powerful agreement.

Think of problems as rocks, some are pebbles and some are boulders. When a problem is not solved, it’s like putting a rock in your backpack and carrying it around with you. Over time your backpack gets heavier and heavier until a pebble drops in and it’s all you can take. So use this agreement to empty out your backpack. Name your rocks, deal with them and toss them. Next time conflict arises don’t put a rock in your backpack. Be brave and deal with it directly.

The Sunshine State of Mind.

admin — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 20:54:57 +0000

Happiness, even in tough times, is very much under your control. The past year has been hard and we have learned that we can’t always control our circumstances. But humans have an amazing ability to overcome challenges that may seem insurmountable. Experts say that 50% of our happiness is genetically determined and 10% is due to circumstance, like where you live. The other 40% is under our control. Here are some tricks you can try. Find which one works for you.

1. Let your mind wander. We often think of daydreaming as bad, as a waste of time. But recent research shows that your brain is working hard when you daydream. Daydreaming allows you to tap into the executive part of the brain, the logical and problem solving part. It also allows for creative thought and introspective thinking.

2. Give money away. Once a person’s basic needs are met, studies show that having more money doesn’t make people happier. Money people spend on themselves is unrealated to happiness, but the more money people donated or gave away as gifts the happier they were, even if it’s just a dollar.

3. Talk to your spouse like a stranger. We all want to make a good impression. So why not make a good impression on your partner. Studies show that people feel happier when in conversation with someone when they are trying to make a good impression. Try it with your spouse and see if you feel better.

4. Settle for good enough. There is no such thing a perfection, so stop driving yourself crazy. We tend to think of choices as freedom, but they can bogg you down and leave you bewildered. So narrow down your choices to those that are good enough and then just pick!

5. Know when enough is enough. Most of us are not good at walking away from a bad situation. It takes a lot of courage. Instead it’s easier to stay in a bad marriage or a job you don’t like because we think we would be wasting time and money by calling it quits. But we can’t recoup what we have lost. So make the choice as though you were not already invested in a specific plan of action.

6. Make something. Few activities are more pleasureable than making something with your own hands. Whether it’s sewing, woodworking or origami, a great deal of satisfaction comes from completing a project with your own hands. I guess I better start making that dress I’ve got cut out.

Failure. Sometimes it is an option

admin — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 20:52:53 +0000

One of my clients was telling my about a book he found called Heroes for My Son. The book tells you little known things about famous people. For example, we all know that Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. But did you know that it was 25 years before he took the credit for it? He didn’t yell out “Look what I wrote”. He was humble about one of the most important documents ever written.

But the story I want to focus on is the one about Orville and Wilbur Wright. Every time they went flying, they took spare parts with them, because they expected the plane was going to crash and they would have to fix it. In other words, they planned for failure. But they didn’t plan on quitting. They planned on learning from their experience.

Failure is something that we all have to face from time to time. So, have a positive perspective on failure and remember that when you fail, you are once step closer to where you want to be. You can choose to learn from the experience and change your attitude toward it. Turn it into something powerful and constructive.

Instead of spending all your time trying to avoid failure, make a plan so you are prepared when it does happen. Accept the reality that sometimes you will fail and don’t quit. Have a Plan B so you are confident and sure in yourself. And don’t forget the spare parts!

I agree to keep doing what works and change what doesn’t.

admin — Mon, 31 May 2010 20:51:01 +0000

These agreements are really a pain, aren’t they. In one morning I managed to break every single one. It started Sunday after Malaika’s concert. She was determined to go to her friend’s house to work on a project. Since it was already almost 8:00 pm, I was not very happy about it, but agreed. Then both of us woke up in terrible moods Monday morning. All it took was checking grades and the fight began. Slamming doors, stomping around the house, whining, excuses until I lost my temper and both Malaika and I were crying. All of the agreements were broken and I wanted to run away from home.

Albert Einstein said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So by that definition I was insane Monday. I did all the things that I have done over and over and I got the same results even though I want different results. Imagine that! I wished I was someone else, somewhere else doing something else. Have you every felt that way? We all have. This agreement asked you to look at your life and see what is working and what is not. Then do something about it.

Sometimes people remain in a situation that is no longer healthy and productive and has instead become an on-going stuggle. They have been bogged down in the wetlands. Sometimes we have to choose to change the situation or our attitude toward it. What would happen if you choose to go to work instead of had to go to work? Richard is constantly on me about shoulda, coulda, woulda. I should clean the house. I could have gone to the store. Or I choose to clean the house. I chose to go to the store. What a difference one word makes. It gives you freedom and control.

Part of this agreement is to find out what works and what doesn’t. So take some time to write a list of ten things that are working for you. Then ten things that are not working for you. When I did this exercise some things were on both my lists. My practice was on both lists because it’s going and I love it, but it’s not were I want it to be. Malaika was on both lists too. On the working list because I love her and sometimes she is a wonderful girl. She was on the not working list twice! because she is 13 and we are having a bit of a rough road. When you are done writing your lists compare them. What catches your eye? Malaika was on my working list, That’s great. She is a wonderful daughter. So I choose to change my behavior so we have more good moments as mother and daughter. Remember, you can only change your behavior and attitude. On my not working list was my eating habits. So I have gotten back on track and choose to go back to the anti-allergy diet from my nutritionist. I feel so much better.

Take the time to follow through with this agreement. You will be amazed at what you are doing that is not working for you. Change the behavior if you can. Or change your attitude toward it. After all, you can’t run away from home and neither can I.

Where Are You?

admin — Sat, 29 May 2010 20:46:52 +0000

I am having a lot of trouble finishing this newsletter simply because I am not present. I’m watching the clock, thinking about all the things I have to do between now and 3:30. Go shopping, do laundry, pack. I am so focused on where I want to be (in Estes Park by 5:30) that I am failing to notice where I am now. I am sitting in my office at my desk, but I’m not present in the moment.

So many times we are so focused on where we want to be that we don’t even notice what is going on right now. We miss so much of life because we are not present in the moment. I love to walk Maverick in the morning. I stop to look down the hill over Louisville and Lafayette, I hear the birds, see the pretty purple wildflowers, feel the breeze and the sun. I’m truly in the moment. Then I walk back in the door and it’s gone. I start thinking about getting breakfast ready, getting Malaika to school, what clients I’m going to see that day. I simply don’t appreciate the moment.

But how do we be present in the moment? It’s not easy because we are always looking ahead. But here are some suggestions;

1. Breathe deeply. A deep breath will slow you down and relax you. It will give you a chance to think. This morning after swimming I started thinking about the day. When I was in the locker room, I said “I don’t know what to do now” It was a rhetorical question, but I got an answer anyway. My friend Julie said, “Start with putting your pants on.” We had a good laugh, but the point is I had stopped breathing and stopped thinking. I wasn’t in the moment and was thinking about too many other things.

2. Make a list. Today I’m trying to keep my list in my head. That never works very well and I spend a lot of time trying to remember what I should be doing. If I write a list I can focus on what I’m doing now and not worry about about other things because I have a list. And I get the added benefit of being able to cross things off the list.

3. Manage your tasks effectively. That is another thing I failed at this morning. I knew I was going to go to the bank and on the way I remembered that I forgot one of the checks I needed to deposit. So I had to go back home and get it. So I didn’t get in to the office as soon as I wanted and now I feel that I’m behind my self-imposed schedule.

So how am I going to handle the rest of my day? I’m going to be sure to breathe, write a list, manage my tasks so I don’t have to back-track and pay attention to what is going on now. Life is too short to live in the future and not enjoy the present.

I Agree To Look Within When I React

admin — Thu, 27 May 2010 20:50:26 +0000

Agreement Three is tough, don’t you think so? To look inside yourself when you react. Have you ever had a strong reaction to something someone said to you and stewed about it? I have, especially having a teenager in the house. Or did someone’s behavior offend you? When that happens, it usually has more to do with you than the other person, maybe with a part of yourself you don’t like or something in your past that you have not resolved, some hidden self-judgement or self-pity.As an example, when I was growing up, I was never allowed to express myself. I’m not talking about being rude and hurtful. I’m just talking about standing up for myself. It was seen as arguing and being disobedient and dealt with. After a while, I just didn’t stand up for myself or express myself. So when Malaika expresses herself, I really have a hard time. Now it’s true that she is a typical 13 year-old, but sometimes I find myself reacting to her in an extreme way. Yelling or saying “no” when there is no good reason. Why? Because I’m jealous that she is doing something I was never allowed to do. Or Malaika does not do as well in school as she is capable of, so that makes me a bad mom. Does it really or is it just my internal perception of my own worth?

When somebody “pushes my buttons”, those buttons are connected to feelings I have about myself, my own insecurities and prejudices. So really it’s about me, my feelings. But how I feel is one of the few areas in my life I have total control over. My feelings are mine. And I can look inside and deal with them.

Everyone has buttons, so when someone pushes yours or is critical of you, don’t take it to heart. Look inside before you react. If the issue is yours, deal with it; if not, don’t own it. It’s somebody else’s problem. You have enough of your own.

Graduation Day

admin — Wed, 26 May 2010 20:58:32 +0000

Today is 8th grade graduation. It’s on to high school. Where has the time gone? What happened to my little girl? She has grown into a young woman before my very eyes. And Happy Birthday, Mom. I miss you.

Do People Ever Really Change?

admin — Thu, 13 May 2010 20:11:40 +0000

Do people ever really change? On the one hand, of course we do! We grow and mature, we learn new skills, and our perspective and lifestyles change over time. But, on the other hand, intentionally deciding to change habitual behavior can be extraodinarily difficult. How many times have we tried to change our way of handling stress or our bad eating habits? Old habits die hard, while new patterns can be difficult to master. Did you know that you have to repeat a new habit for at least 21 days before it really takes hold? If you miss a day you have to start over!

Unfortunately, the knowledge, skills, habits, friends and patterns that got you where you are will also keep you where you are today. But each one of us can learn and grow more. We can use the knowledge, skill, habits, friends and patterns to develop and learn more if we choose. No one should die with their talents, abilities and dreams undeveloped. So how do we develop ourselves?

1. Personal development must be intentional. As humans we need to make a choice to grow and develop. It’s easy to settle into a rut and stay in our comfort zone. But we will never grow unless we push ourselves. Decide to grow!

2. Personal development requires investment. It requires the time, effort and belief that we can learn, grow, master new skills, and transform our lives. We have to decide it’s worth it and that we are not going to “settle”.

3. Personal development requires a plan. Generally, luck doesn’t happen. Personal development requires commitment to a specific outcome, not depending on chance and impulsiveness. Growth is about developing a natural gift, pursuing a specific dream or goal with persistance and commitment.

4. Personal development requires learning. Before we are good at something, we must be willing to be bad at it; be a beginner. Think about learning to ride a bike or swim well. It took a lot of practice and help from others. We must be willing to learn and be taught, to read the books, take the classes, do the lessons, get the coaching. We must be with people who can help us. As adults that’s uncomfortable, but it’s how we grow.

5. Personal development requires daily action. Every day, do something to get to your goal or dream; read, attend a lecture or take a class. Think about what you are learning in life. Each day learn and try and push the limit just a bit.

Personal development doesn’t end until your last breath, but it starts right now. Notice what works in life and think about what’s important and where you want to go in life. Do what blesses and nourishes you each day.