Sue McCullough

While the first agreement focuses on actions, the second agreement focuses on words. Being true to yourself requires authenticity in both word and deed. The second agreement is: “I agree to speak my truth, with compassion.” Notice that the agreement is to speak “my truth”, which is relative because it’s true to me. With this understanding we are free to speak our truth without malice or judgement.

But the decision to live and speak your truth doesn’t mean just dumping everything that is in your mind. We need to be sensitive to others, which is where compassion comes in. I have been around people who just blurt things out. I’ve been one of them myself. When I have been that way I have failed to consider the other person’s perspective and have effectively shut down communication. That was not what I wanted to do.

Speaking my truth with compassion also means giving up those “little white lies” we all tell. Why, because it erodes the foundation of truth and hurts those we tell them to. And, how many times do those lies backfire on us? It’s just better to honor yourself and the other person by being honest. Building your relationships on your truth will maintain an inner integrity that links to the integrity of others, strengthening and deepening your relationships.

 
We all need sleep, lots of it. We all try to get by with as little as possible in our busy lives, but in reality we need 7-8 hours a night. Our bodies give us plenty of signs that we need more sleep, but most of us ignore them. So, how can you know if you are sleep deprived?

1. You can’t even make a simple decision. When you are tired, you’re less able to distinguish between important and irrelevant information. You’re overwhelmed by minor details. Should you wear the white blouse or the blue one to work today? Do you want an aisle seat or a window seat for your flight to New York? Do you want potatos or rice with dinner tonight? Even the simplest decision takes on great importance. Tired people also have trouble adjusting to changing circumstances and make riskier choices.

2. You are still hungry! Studies show that chronic sleep loss disrupts blood sugar levels and causes the body to make appetite stimulating hormones. Tired people tend to eat more sugars and other simple carbohydrates. And sleep deprivation erodes self-control, probably why I had that bowl of ice cream last night. (No, I was not living my mission!)

3. You are always sick. It seems a no- brainer, but people who don’t get enough sleep are more vulnerable to infection than those who are well rested. People who sleep less than seven hours a night are three times more likely to get a cold than those who got enough sleep.

4. You cry over all the commercials, not just the Hallmark ones! People who don’t get enough sleep have difficulty responding in emotionally appropriate ways to situations. Without sleep you are more emotionally volatile, which explains why I am more short-tempered when I don’t get enough sleep. Tired brains store negative memories more effectively than positive ones, so when you are tired you feel down more often than when you are well rested.

5. You’re clumsy. You trip over the furniture and dropped your coffee all over the floor. Lack of sleep causes slower and less precise motor skills, imparied reflexes and lack of focus. And sleepiness may throw off balance or depth perception, making stumbling and tripping easier.

How do you recover if you’re not getting enough sleep? Of course, try to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Also get some sun, exercise, eat right and take a nap!

I am a great one for saying, “Some day when I have (fill in the blank) I will… Rarely have I not put some-thing that is important to me off. But I started my private practice, I played with dolphins, I climbed Pikes Peak; all of which were and still are important to me. I didn’t say some day I will: when I have enough money, when Malaika is in college, when I retire, I just did it. I didn’t wait for tomorrow, because all we have is today. And when I am with a client, when I played with dolphins, when I climbed Pikes Peak, I was at my very best. So how could you and I be at our best everyday?

The first step is to identify what you love, what gives you joy, what is truly important to you and let that guide your daily life. It’s discovering your mission. Your mission could be your life calling, it could be reaching a specific goal or being connected to your family or co-workers. There is no right way to define mission and it’s not carved it stone. Your mission grows as you grow.

Ask yourself what you would love to do most. My answers were live on the ocean, study whales and dolphins (a dream since childhood), make a difference in the lives of others, have an impact, look forward to each day and support my family. Very diverse answers to a seemingly simple question. But as I looked at all of these answers a statement did come to me: my mission in life is to be the best “me” I can be. Because, if I’m the best “me” I can be, I will be the best for everybody and everything else. Is that me now? Unfortunately, the answer is a big fat NO! I have a long way to go, but thinking about my mission statement everyday makes an impact on my life. It helps guide my choices and decisions. I don’t want to achieve being the best me I can be, I want to LIVE being the best me I can be.

Just identifying your mission can have amazing results. After you have taken the time to write your mission statement, you may want to make changes, maybe some big changes. This requires courage. You can do it! Take some time to write your mission statement and see what happens.

I am reading a remarkable book by Marian Head called Revolutionary Agreements. She believes that by living by these 12 agreements you will be happier, healthier and more free. For the next several newsletters, I will be talking about one or two or these agreements each edition.

The world works by agreements, both spoken and unspoken, conscious or unconscious. We make them with co-workers, partners, children and most importantly ourselves. But can making agreements with ourselves change our lives? One of the great men of the 20th century, Mahatma Gandhi said “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

But in order to be that change you wish to see, to make these agreements with yourself, you need to understand that the foundation of these agreements is truth. Not the truth, but your truth. And your truth is what is true for you right now. Your truth may vary with time. You may find that the job that was true for you five years ago no longer fits. And that is wonderful! You have grown and changed. Another word for your truth is authenticity.

So let’s go on a journey and ask questions about your truth and your authentic self.

Remember that saying, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” That’s what happens to us when we are stressed out. We can’t think clearly or solve problems and we become overwhelmed. Sometimes, when things are craziest is when you need a break, a night way or a weekend in the mountains. I do this once a year when I go to Contemplative Church Camp for a week. It can be as simple as a night at a comfy hotel with the chance to sleep in late or a weekend in the mountains. Either way, here are the benefits I’ve received when I’ve give myself a break and time to focus on me, my goals, my skills and my dreams.

First of all, it lets me find myself. It takes a day or two to adjust to a new (or familiar for that matter) environment. Then, something wonderful happens. I start to breath and relax And, most importantly, I ponder. About life, love, family, relationships, God; everything. I find myself again when I’m away from the busy-ness of life.

Getting away helps me adjust my compass and get back on track if I’ve gone astray. I can re-set my direction, think about my dreams and where I am in life. We all need to be on “true north”.

But the best thing is that I come home with new ideas, new energy, new focus and new enthusiasm that I can apply directly to my life, my relationships and my business.

Take the time to take a break. It’s worth it.

We went to Texas for Spring Break so  Malaika could meet her birth father. Both Richard and I were dreading the trip, even though we had the opportunity to see close friends while we were in Houston. We stayed with our friends of over 25 years, Bill and Barbara. They took wonderful care of us and gave us the run of the upstairs. But as time passed and it got closer to Thursday night, when we were to meet Malaika’s birth father, I got more and more distressed.

Knowing how much I love labyrinths, Barbara and I took some time to walk one close to her house on Wednesday. It was wonderful. Even though a busy road was close by, we were surrounded by woods and flowers. It was very peace and calmed me.

Thursday morning, Barbara gave me a coffee cup with a labyrinth on one side of the cup and this on the other;
Stress is resistance to change. Stress is a signal change is needed. Stress occurs whenever I am unable to create a positive image of success in my mind. The worst I can be is ineffective. What I am unaware of controls me, what I become aware of I can change.

After I read that and let it sink in a little, I realized that the reason I was distressed was because I was resisting the change of Malaika meeting her birth father. I was unable to create a positive image about this first meeting in my mind. Dinner turned out to be wonderful! My disress was totally unfounded. I was a bit overwhelmed because we not only met Malaika’s birth father, but his daughter, mother, father, stepmother and cousin! But they were so thankful for the opportunity to meet us and Malaika. They were warm and welcoming. And now Malaika has another root to help her grow.

As I ponder this saying more, I realize that a lot of the stress I have been feeling is resistance to change that needs to happen in my life. It’s the resistance to changing bad habits and self- sabotaging behavior; resisting my sister’s move to Florida and health problems with my in-laws; resisting Malaika growing into a young woman. Change is a part of life and it has it’s lessons. Search for those lessons and embrace change. Be curious about life and no matter what, breathe. Become aware and change what you can.

This morning the topic of my devotional was saying “yes”; to God or whatever higher power you have, to your calling in life and even to yourself. What struck me was that the author included saying yes to herself.

As women, we say yes to everything but ourselves. I’m really guilty of that, but I am getting better. I say no to requests; I’ve even said no to clients that I didn’t think I could help or would not be a good fit for me. I still say yes to a lot of things; my husband, my daughter, church, Girl Scouts and lots of other things. But I rarely say yes to myself.

What would happen if I did? I would take better care of myself; exercise more instead of squeezing it in, spend time cooking fun, exotice meals, sew that dress I wanted to have ready for Easter (not going to happen). I would spend more time in prayer and meditation and not worry about the time and getting Richard and Malaika up and making breakfast for them. I would make them responsible.

If I said yes more to myself, I would get this newsletter out on a weekly basis, would spend more time reading professional magazines and journals and spend more time marketing my practice. And most importantly I would be less stressed and have more peace in my life.

It’s okay to say yes to yourself and a really good idea.

I was driving along South Boulder Road the other day and saw a sign that said “Preaching is easier than practicing.” How true! Most of the time when I write this newsletter, I’m telling you what I need to hear.

But the truth is that it’s much easier to say something than to do it. I can talk to you about goals, but do I always meet mine? No. I can give you hints on ways to reduce stress, but I’m just as stressed as the next person.

But I do have some suggestions. The first one is to keep trying to practice what you preach; it’s the only way to get where you want to be. So don’t give up. Secondly, think before you say something, especially if you don’t have experience. I appreciate my friends who don’t have children not telling me how to raise mine. But I also appreciate suggestions from people who have “been there”. And, try not to say something when you are angry or upset. Lastly, take a few minutes to put yourself in the other person’s place. Not an easy thing to do, but a powerful one. Looking at something from another perspective can make all the difference.

So here I am preaching, but I also intend to practice. Will you join me?

Albert Einstein said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I think that’s a very good definition and, by this definition we are probably all a little bit insane. We fall into patterns of behavior; some which serve us and some which don’t. My habit of swimming and yoga is good and serves me well. Some of my other habits are not good and only drag me down.

So what is one to do? Keep what works and change what doesn’t. Easier said than done, I’m afraid. Do you feel something is missing in your life, or something is not going the way you want it to? Take a look at what is working and what is not. Be strong and courageous and throw out what is not working. Take a risk to try something new; a new way of being and a new way of doing. Is it easy? No. Will you slip and fall? Yes, but get up and keep trying. Make life work for you.

And what about the things you have no control over? Your partner, your children, your boss. You can’t change them, the only person you have control over is you. So you can change your attitude. It’s up to you. Life is not a bowl of cherries; it’s a bowl of choices, including attitude. Take a risk and look at things from a different perspective. And get a new attitude about life.

If insanity really is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I’m ready to stop.

 
I got an e-mail from my dear friend, Paula, commenting on my article about cutting down the cottonwood tree. She reminded me that roots are not always bad, squeezing our hearts. Sometimes roots are good, helping us grow and reminding us of where we came from.

We get our roots from lots of different places. I have deep Midwest roots. Even though I love living in Colorado, I miss the rolling green hills and the farmland of Wisconsin. I miss the thunderstorms and even the humidity. But mostly my roots come from family.

My grandfather had a huge impact on my life. He always had time for me, taught me about baseball and faith in God. He had a strong German work ethic and taught me to do my best; to get up after falling down. My listening and caring roots come from my grandfather.

My mother taught me about courage and perseverance. She didn’t just quit when she was left alone with four kids to raise; she came up with a plan. She went back to college and became a teacher. She taught me about grace and acceptance when she was dying of ALS. She never complained and never once said “Why me?”. I hope I have deep roots in courage and grace.

My dad, really my step-dad, married my mom when I was 20. But he didn’t just marry my mom. He also married four kids, a dog and a mother-in-law. My dad taught me about unconditional love. He raised the youngest two, a real challenge. He got along with my grandmother, who was not a very likeable person. He cared for my mom for two years when she was dying without complaint. And ten years later he still has four “kids” who call him their “dad”. I hope my roots of unconditional love are as deep as my dad’s.

From my other grandmother, Grandma Alma, I learned joy and to be interested in others. Grandma Alma was always laughing; she found life wonderful despite many hardships. She never talked about herself and wanted to know how others were doing. When you were talking to her, you felt like you were the only person she knew. Even after her 100th birthday, she was still active and loving life. I need that root to grow deeper.

Take some time this week to reflect on where your roots are from and be thankful that you came from good stock and your roots are deep.