I had coffee with a dear friend recently. She was feeling down with good cause. She had experience two big blows, one right after the other. We have all been there, when situations out of our control turn life upside-down. Here are some tips to help you get back on track.Look for evidence of your accomplishments. Most of us believe that if we work hard and are a good and fair person, we can solve anything. When that doesn’t work, we blame ourself. Is it your fault that the economy is in recession and you have been laid-off? No, so don’t blame yourself for what is out of your control. Look at what you have accomplished in the past. Ask family and friends if you are having a hard time seeing yourself clearly. It may also be helpful to recall the strengths that have gotten you through in the past.

Getting to laughter means getting to hope. Sometimes it’s hard to find meaning in things that have happened, but it’s very important if you are dealing with trauma and loss. Instead of “an eye for an eye” thinking, try forgiveness because it creates feelings of connection. As humans, we want to withdraw when faced with difficulty, but meaning comes from community with others who are facing the same problem. Online interaction is a great first step, but face-to-face communication is best.

Don’t insist on closure. This is a hard one. We want justice when we have been wronged or hurt. Sometimes we can have it and sometimes we can’t. If you have ever been touched by the untimely death of a loved one, you may know that you will never understand or have justice. If you insist on closure, you will not be able to heal. Sometimes the only choice is to find new options. So surrender, listen, feel and be aware. Take care of yourself.

Live with paradox. Often we get stuck trying to fix things that can’t be fixed. But resilience lies in learning to live with less-than-perfect outcomes. Instead of an all-or-nothing attitude, understand that two states can exist together, such as, you can be sad about giving up one dream, but hopeful about finding another. You may be sad that you have just sent your youngest child to college and happy to have the house to yourself!